Best Man's Speech

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Si, Mar 28, 2005.

  1. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    I'm Best Man to a mate who's getting married in a few weeks. Anyone got any funny jokes or anecdotes I could use in the speech? :)
  2. G-man

    G-man Prodigal Philanthropist

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    I prefer on the spot, spur of the moment kind of wit myself...
    I'd probably say a thing or two about the fella' and perhaps a mention or two of the fella' in question of something witty... perhaps an incident that was funny or something about the guy's personality...

    Have any idea of what direction you want to take with this speech? I believe a few of us can help you with some witty, smart @$S remarks then... :laugh2:
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2005
  3. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    definitely witty and smart G, mate. That's why I thought I'd ask you lot! lol
  4. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    Well, I gave my speech on Saturday - it went really well. Here it is : (Durex is a brand of condom btw!)

    Ladies and gentlemen, to put my nerves about speaking here today into perspective, this isn’t the 1st time this afternoon that I have risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

    On behalf of the bridesmaids and page boy, I would like to thank Craig for his toast. They have done a great job and all look lovely!! I’m sure you’ll agree that they deserve a round of applause. As for the happy couple, Kathy looks absolutely stunning today. Craig, you look like you always do mate….. 3rd prize in a raffle!! Seriously though you’ve scrubbed up pretty well although I’m not impressed you’ve copied my outfit. Speaking of outfits, I was hoping we’d be wearing kilts for the day but Kathy was keen for Craig to wear a suit because as of tomorrow, she’ll be wearing the trousers!

    Well, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Si and I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Craig the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Kathy's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Craig. By the way Craig, I have some bad news for you mate, one of the waiters just slipped Kathy a couple of aspirin.

    You know, a wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love to his new wife….. Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon.

    Now when I agreed to be Craig’s Best Man I looked through some helpful hints on how to be a good one and one of the things that I noticed was that a best man needs to be Organised, Responsible, Reliable, Energetic, Loyal and of course Humorous. Now it’s quite apparent that Craig is a terrible judge of character…...Fortunately not where Kathy is concerned though!

    Having never been a best man before, I was a little perplexed and wondered how I was going to go about it. My wife Sarah suggested the internet as a first port of call, which bombarded me with a wealth of information, including a useful list of duties. But I was immediately stumped by one of them – ensure that the groom's face and hair are in order. Well Craig, I have to say that if nature didn't get them in order the first time around, what chance did I have? Another duty was to get him here on time by making sure he got a good night’s sleep before the wedding. Well, I can assure you he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his Mummy.

    Craig was born on February 23rd 1968. Now I don't know whether this is a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born Family Planning was made available free on the NHS!!

    Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Craig was not a pretty baby.. In fact, he was the only baby in Cornwall to have shutters on his pram! Brenda didn’t get morning sickness til after he was born!

    Craig spent a lot of his teens trying to find himself and then one day he had a haircut …. And there he was! Actually, I have some photographic evidence of the style and grace of the youthful Mr Craig McFadzean. I’ll need my beautiful assistant to help me.with this (Bring out poster picture)

    I have known Craig for over 20 years. We were in the same class at Helston school and have been best mates ever since. He was one of two of the best athletes in our year (honestly, he was!) – his rivalry with Mark Thomas could be likened to Coe versus Ovett! Both Craig and Mark were chosen to represent the school in the County Cross Country championship relay event and needed a third runner. As I had come 4th in the school’s own Cross Country race, I was chosen. Craig phoned and told me that he and his Dad, Danny, would pick me up outside the school. This was the 1st time I would meet Craig. So there I was, standing outside the school, wearing my cherished Liverpool Football Club tracksuit when they pulled up. Craig called over to me so I made my way towards their car. I was stopped in my tracks when Danny shouted “You’re not getting in this car wearing that tracksuit!” (I was unaware that both he and Craig were avid Everton supporters- Everton! They’re like an old fashioned bra – no cups and poor support!) It took me a quite a while to realise that Danny was only joking! But, just in case he was serious, I’ve bought him and Craig a gift to share. It can only be described as a touch of class and I’m sure it will enrich their lives in a way they’ve never encountered before (give video).

    Another school day memory I’ll never forget happened in our English class. Our normal teacher was ill and the stand in teacher was called Mr Dury. He handed us all a text book and then asked each of us to read out a reference number on the cover of each book. Every number was followed by the letter “x”. Several pupils had read out their number “12X, 44X, 23X etc” and Mr Dury noted each one down – it came to my turn and I said “Durex!” Mr Dury wasn’t impressed and, thinking Craig was the culprit, grabbed his ear and pulled him out of the class room. I think Craig would have taken the punishment for me if it wasn’t 500 lines of “The only rubber I should be using is one that corrects mistakes.” So, just in case you need to cover for me again mate, here you go… (give lines)


    One of the pursuits of teenage boys are those of the opposite sex. Craig had a great strategy. He’d wait for me to go out with the girl first and would pounce when they gave me the boot. I’ve no idea why as he was much more of a “babe magnet” than I ever was. And he’d never struck me as being particularly shy. Far from it as years later we went on a boy’s holiday to Florida. We were on the beach kicking a ball around when a rather pleasant looking woman walked by. Craig thought he’d impress her with his silky soccer skills. He hoofed the ball high up in the air with the intention of trapping it dead when it came down. Unfortunately he underestimated the strength of his kick and realised he would have to give chase. Craig being more of a long distance runner than a sprinter was unable to catch the ball before it bounced off the sand and landed right on the tummy of a elderly woman who was laying in the sun.


    You think someone with Craig’s obvious athletic ability wouldn’t embarrass themselves in front of hundreds of people at their children’s school sports day. But one fateful day last summer Craig did just this. He had entered the Daddy’s race. There he was all kitted out, running vest, shorts, and spiked running shoes. The runners had taken their marks, the crowd were silent, you could cut the tension with a knife….The starting gun went off, Craig sprung from the blocks, after 2 steps he was in the lead, on the 3rd step he went base over apex and lay on the floor gazing up at the sky. Not even the judges holding up perfect scores of 6 for artistic interpretation could spare Craig the humiliation!


    A little birdie tells me that Craig has an awful habit of mislaying his keys or wallet. We’re all pleased to see that he hasn’t mislaid Kathy! Anyway I am so pleased that Craig and Kathy met – they make a great couple!! They met in Fosters night club in Newquay…..You know, Kathy tells me the first time she set eyes on Craig, she thought he was handsome from afar.. Now she just thinks he's far from handsome!


    Craig told me he thought he should do the traditional thing and ask Kathy’s Dad for permission to marry her. Shortly after being introduced, Kathy’s father Phil asked Craig if his intentions towards his daughter were honourable or dishonourable. Craig was quite surprised by this, as he didn’t realise he had a choice.


    You know a man is incomplete until he’s married, then he’s really finished!
    Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and Craig you really couldn’t have done any better. And Kathy, …. I suppose it could be worse! If I were to give some advice to Craig it would be: if you’re clever, you’ll always have the last word, if you’re really clever you won’t use it! And if I was to give some advice to Kathy it would be: treat him like a dog, 3 meals a day, plenty of affection and a loose leash. And to both of you, never go to bed on an argument….. stay up and fight!


    The lucky couple are off on honeymoon to Jamaica on Tuesday – you know, a honeymoon is that brief period of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!" Anyway, God knows how Craig is going to hold his stomach in for 2 whole weeks!

    In all seriousness though Craig, you've been a brilliant friend to me over the years. You have never let me down, and have been there when I needed you and when you needed to steal my girlfriends! I am so pleased to see that you have found true happiness with Kathy and I hope your union goes from strength to strength. It's been an absolute honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!







    To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies. Remember, Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. As a final thought – “you don’t marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…


    To Craig and Kathy, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets
  5. ZelRiptha

    ZelRiptha Thnow White but I drifted Staff Member Super Mod

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    Well done, lad !! :lmao:

    (Thanks to all our help, obviously... :rolleyes: )

    :D
  6. Pol

    Pol Stuck on the M1 <img src="images/smilies/shakehead Staff Member Super Mod

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    Good job there bud.....insulting without being too insulting :laugh:
    BTW...thanks for the heads up on Durex being a condom...we'd have been baffled there :confused: :lmao:
  7. Luiza*Cunha

    Luiza*Cunha Charmed Trainee with Goa'uld inside! Staff Member Super Mod

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    Si, you are unique! lol
    BTW, in Brasil, durex is a brand of adhesive tape...

    Attached Files:

  8. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    Thanks guys, it certainly went down well. Got quite a few laughs.

    Did you think Durex was a brand of tyre then Pol? lol
  9. voice of god

    voice of god Prodigal Pyjamas Pervert Staff Member Super Mod

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    great speech :!: :laugh:
  10. Pol

    Pol Stuck on the M1 <img src="images/smilies/shakehead Staff Member Super Mod

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    Why suuure :p ...i've got four of 'em on the car at the moment...holds the road like a dream lol
  11. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    I am so tempted but there are kids on the board! ;)
  12. vbrio

    vbrio Lavander Lassie Staff Member Moderator

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    wow, that's a wonderful speech Si...it took me some time before i finished reading it ;)
  13. voice of god

    voice of god Prodigal Pyjamas Pervert Staff Member Super Mod

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    Allow me..

    -now thats safe motoring...

    -must be great in slippery conditions...
  14. Pol

    Pol Stuck on the M1 <img src="images/smilies/shakehead Staff Member Super Mod

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    I leave an opening and you pass it up :confused:...you goin' all soft now you're a dad ??
    Don't worry though...vog will take up the slack :laugh:
  15. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    Lol, I knew I could rely on VOG!
  16. Pol

    Pol Stuck on the M1 <img src="images/smilies/shakehead Staff Member Super Mod

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    So is vog joining your gang then ?...in that case i may need an ally :shifty:
  17. ZelRiptha

    ZelRiptha Thnow White but I drifted Staff Member Super Mod

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    *strokes beard thoughtfully* :gee:
  18. Luiza*Cunha

    Luiza*Cunha Charmed Trainee with Goa'uld inside! Staff Member Super Mod

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    :whistle:
    Hey, Zel, ask him how much he's paying... :smart:
  19. ZelRiptha

    ZelRiptha Thnow White but I drifted Staff Member Super Mod

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    *whispers to Pol* :shifty:

    *whispers to Luiza* :smart:

    :p
  20. Pol

    Pol Stuck on the M1 <img src="images/smilies/shakehead Staff Member Super Mod

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    The pay is $50 per week...and $100 per week when we're on a war footing :saber:
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