Fave bar jokes, post 'em here

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by MillwallBadBoy, Nov 22, 2002.

  1. MillwallBadBoy

    MillwallBadBoy Bad Boy Karaoke

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    Post your fave bar jokes here. A world without laughter is like a world without air, so lets here your funny stuff. (I know there are some who use this who are young, so please if your jokes are explicit, please censor 'em) Let me get this thing started.

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

    If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
  2. MillwallBadBoy

    MillwallBadBoy Bad Boy Karaoke

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    A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man.
    He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.

    He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
    The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.

    The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

    "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

    "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

    "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

    "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

    "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

    "You see that Ferrari out there?"

    The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

    "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs."

    "Trust me, it's worth it."

    The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

    The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

    "Last night was incredible!"

    "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my b***jobs."

    "How much is that?"

    "$500"

    "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

    "You see that apartment building across the street?"

    The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.

    "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on b***jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

    Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.
    He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed.
    He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

    "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some p***y?"

    She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

    "You see that island?"

    "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

    She nods her head.

    "You bet. If I had a p***y, I'd own Manhattan!"
  3. MillwallBadBoy

    MillwallBadBoy Bad Boy Karaoke

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    one more from me then you guys really better start posting here to give us all a laugh

    An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

    "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

    "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.

    "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

    The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."

    "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
  4. Lee85

    Lee85 New Member

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    the one from harry enfield "a guy walks into a bar and whoops he's hit his head... no wait that's not it??? *goes on for about 10 mins*" :)
  5. MillwallBadBoy

    MillwallBadBoy Bad Boy Karaoke

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    lol, Got anymore or is that your top joke? :)
  6. Lee85

    Lee85 New Member

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    another Two guys in a bar 100 stories up a guy drinks a shot of tequila and jumps out the window and stops just above the ground before bouncing back up, the second guy says "WOW how'd you do that??" the first guy replies "it's this tequila, drink it jump out the window you'll see you just bounce straight back up" the second guy says "nahhh, i'm not a idiot show me again" so the first guys takes a shot of tequila jumps out the window and sure enough bounces up again the second guy says "WOW lemme try that" he takes a shot of tequilla jumps out the window and *SPLAT* the barman says to the first guy "you know, sometimes superman you're such a a**hole"
  7. MillwallBadBoy

    MillwallBadBoy Bad Boy Karaoke

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    LOL, I like it, anyone else wanna join in here or do I have to just keep trading jokes with Lee?
  8. comphakr

    comphakr New Member

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    Lovein' it!!
  9. G-man

    G-man Prodigal Philanthropist

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    Bar Joke

    A lawyer and a blonde (sorry blondes that's just how it goes) are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. (I know, I know but that's how it goes...)

    The lawyer persists and explains it's not hard and is really a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 (Mb$) and vice versa." Again she politely declines.

    The lawyer now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if i don't know the answer I pay you $50." So this catches the blonde's attention and figuring this guy will not leave her in peace she agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

    The blonde not saying a word reaches into her purse and pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now it's the blonde's turn... She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer gives her a puzzled look.

    He then takes out his laptop and searches through gOogLe, e-mail's all his friends, etc. , etc. (phone a friend you name it...) all to no avail.

    After an hour he wakes the blonde and hands her $50 which she takes and goes back to sleep.

    The lawyer who is more than a bit miffed after having searched for over an hour for the answer, wakes her up and asks, "Well so what is the answer?" Without a word she reaches into her purse and hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. :laugh: :laugh:
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2003
  10. fonga

    fonga New Member

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    A guy walks into a bar and sees a donkey and the owner with a sign which says 'make this donkey laugh and i'll give you $10'. The guy accepts and brings the donkey out the back and comes back with the donkey laughing. The owner is surprised and gives him the $10 and the guy leaves

    The following week he returns and sees the same owner with a sign which now says 'make this donkey cry and i'll give you $10' The guy accepts again, brings the donkey out the back and comes back with the donkey crying. The owner is surprised again and again gives him the $10 and asks:

    'How did you get him to laugh and cry?'

    the guy replies 'The first time i said i had a bigger dick than he did, today i showed him' :)
  11. chonny

    chonny New Member

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    John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

    Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

    So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

    And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

    Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

    Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

    The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

    Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2003
  12. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender.
    "I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.

    "I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.

    "I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.

    "Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"

    The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.

    "What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.

    "I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.

    "Why, you stupid sh**!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2003
  13. NBBChaz

    NBBChaz New Member

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    hahaahahahaha these are so funny, I laughed hard at the donkey and the blonde one LoLz
  14. chonny

    chonny New Member

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    Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

    "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

    "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

    "I got it from my genie."

    "You have a genie?" he asked.

    "Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

    "Could I see him?"

    He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

    The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

    "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

    About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

    He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic
  15. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    A guy walks into a bar and asks for a mug of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be five cents, please."
    The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Five cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of wings with extra hot sauce and a side order of curly fries?"

    "Eleven cents," says the bartender.

    The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

    "Upstairs," says the bartender, "With my wife."

    "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

    "Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
  16. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
    The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

    The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

    The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

    The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

    The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

    The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb*tchyouate."
  17. NBBChaz

    NBBChaz New Member

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    hahahaha keep em coming! ^_^
  18. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?
    1 star hangover *
    No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

    2 star hangover **
    Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

    3 star hangover ***
    Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

    4 star hangover ****
    Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

    5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
    You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
  19. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

    "What's it telling you now?" she asks. "Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear."

    The man explains, "Damn, this thing must be an hour fast."
  20. X-Factor

    X-Factor vvv Look it's Billy Hunt!

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    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K.
    The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"

    The stranger says "No. Who are you?"

    The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!"

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

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