Jokes for between crashes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by rknrne, Jan 25, 2003.

  1. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    I need some quick one-liners and/or jokes for the between song times or whenever( heaven forbid ) the laptop crashes and has to reload. thanks
  2. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    This one had 'em rolling on the floor at the legion last week.

    This is an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship & the Canadians off the coast of Newfoundland released by the Chief of Naval Operations Oct.95....

    Can:please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
    US: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to avoid a collision.
    Can:Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
    US: This is the Capt. of a US Navy ship. I say you have to divert your course.
    Can: Negative. You have to divert your course.
    US: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS & NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH I SAY AGAIN THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. OVER

    Canadians: Respectfully Sir, .................We are a Lighthouse...........Your call............!
  3. satcom

    satcom New Member

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    Fantastic stuff...
  4. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    deep !
  5. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried pitifully for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to
    shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the pit is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest pit just by never stopping, never giving up! Just shake it off and take a step up!


    (Keep reading)

    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

    1. Free your heart from hatred.
    2. Free your mind from worries.
    3. Live simply.
    4. Give more.
    5. Expect less.

    O.K., that's enough of that B.S.

    .... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the crap out of them too for helping.

    The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to haunt you.
  6. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
  7. Si

    Si Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    moving to chit chat forum
  8. GlobalMotion

    GlobalMotion New Member

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    I love that lighthouse story =)
  9. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    How did you get MB money so fast ??? Enquiring minds want to know.
  10. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    What do you call a fratboy in a suit? The defendant!
  11. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    The Painter


    There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, Started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

    The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

    During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, And asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

    To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynaecologist.'"
  12. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Is The Dog Dead?


    A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
    "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
    "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
    "$345," says the doctor.
    "$345!!?" the lady asks.
    "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
  13. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Consumer Labels


    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

    On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

    On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

    On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

    On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

    On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

    On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

    On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

    On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

    On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
  14. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Overpopulation of Nerds


    This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

    The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
  15. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Wife Not Good In Bed


    A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

    By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
  16. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    100 Years Old


    A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

    The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

    "No," he replied. "I've never done either."

    "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

    "No, I've never done any of those things either."

    "Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
  17. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Burglar


    A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

    "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

    "No, no, no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
  18. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
  19. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
  20. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

    "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

    Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

    A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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