Jokes for between crashes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by rknrne, Jan 25, 2003.

  1. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    Finally a blonde GUY joke

    Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

    The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
  2. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster?one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ?I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!?

    So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: ?Henry,? he said, ?I'm counting on you to do your stuff.? And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

    Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there.

    Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, ?Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!?

    But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

    Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, ?Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.?

    Shhhhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard's getting closer.
  3. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.

    He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

    He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his feet.

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
  4. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    1. HER DIARY

    Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

    On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

    When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

    Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    2 - HIS DIARY

    Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.
  5. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks, "Sir, I'm interested what would you do if you thought you only had 20 minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?" asked the old man. "Well, under the circumstances," said the woman, "I think I would remain perfectly still."
  6. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    jehovas whitnesses >.<

    Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.

    They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

    She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

    To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

    Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.

    She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

    But the door still didn't close.

    Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

    Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

    Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
  7. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
  8. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
    "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

    "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

    When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

    "Once," he replied.

    "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

    "Don't stop."
  9. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
    The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

    She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

    The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

    She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
  10. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ?Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee?".

    "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

    "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

    So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

    The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

    "You win for sure," they both said.

    Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

    "Yup. I played this game called ?Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee? and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

    His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
  11. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    Men are like..



    ...placemats
    they only show up when there's food on the table.

    ...mascara
    they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    ...bike helmets
    they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

    ...government bonds
    they take so long to mature.

    ...copiers
    you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

    ...lava lamps
    fun to look at it but not all that bright.

    ...bank accounts
    without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

    ...high heels
    they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    ...curling irons
    they're always hot and always in your hair.

    ...mini skirts
    if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

    ...handguns
    keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it
  12. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
  13. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    THE LAWYER AND THE BLOND

    A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. " Okay, how about this: If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

    "What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, " What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

    The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
  14. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    I am Proud to be an Oregonian

    CHURCH TELEPHONE SERVICE


    A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world

    So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would

    start by working his way across the USA from South to North.



    On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed

    a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "$10,000. per call."

    The man, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, "what the telephone

    was used for." The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for

    $10,000. you could talk to God. The man thanked the priest and went along his way.



    Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same

    golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same

    kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to

    God "O,K,, thank you," said the man.



    He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington D.C., Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000

    per call" sign under it.



    The man upon leaving New York decided to travel out mid west to see if western states had the same telephone service. He arrived in Oregon, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "$.40 per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the East and South the

    price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered,

    "You're in Oregon now, son it's a local call."



    P.S. just Mentally replace Oregon with whatever place you come from!
  15. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    This was forwarded to me, I think it's funny how stupid some people can be

    While filling a one gallon thermos jug, my wife placed a tray of ice cubes in the jug and then filled it with water but didn’t fill the jug full; she left about two inches of room.
    I asked her why she didn’t fill the jug full.

    She said, “to leave room for the ice cubes to melt.”

    . . . . She votes!

    **********************************************************************************

    While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

    She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

    When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has always done so since creation), she shook her head and said,

    "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

    . . . . She also votes!

    *********************************************************************************

    I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

    One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.

    I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

    He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

    Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

    . . . He also votes!.

    *******************************************************************************

    So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.

    She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"

    ........Yep, she also votes!

    ******************************************************************************

    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.

    It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.

    She keeps it in the trunk

    . . . My sister also votes!

    ******************************************************************************

    My friends and I stopped to purchase a couple cases of Coca Cola for a party and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.

    The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount

    . . . He also votes!

    ******************************************************************************






    My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub shop last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better.

    The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.

    My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

    To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

    .....The clerk also votes!

    *******************************************************************************

    This one is a real 'clincher'......

    I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.

    So I went to the lost luggage office and told the lady attendant there that my bags never showed up.

    She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

    "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

    Yep, she is another one that also votes!
  16. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
    looks over at him and asks the question....
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
  17. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    L.A. Driving Test

    For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam. For those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.
    Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

    GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

    Name:___________________
    Stage name: ____________________
    Agent:___________________
    Attorney:_________________
    Therapist name:____________

    Sex: ___male ___female* ___formerly male___formerly female____both
    *If female, indicate breast implant size:_______

    Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle
    in any way? Yes___ No ___

    Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
    *If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

    Please check hair color:
    Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
    Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

    Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
    [ ] Eating
    [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
    [ ] Applying make-up
    [ ] Shaving (male or female)
    [ ] Talking on the phone
    [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
    [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [ ] Tanning
    [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
    [ ] Watching TV
    [ ] Reading Variety
    [ ] Surfing the net via laptop
    [ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

    Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

    If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime.
    b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
    on the news in a high-speed chase.
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
    company for 911 call not going through.
    d) Call your therapist.

    In the event of an earthquake, you should :
    a) stop your car
    b) keep driving and hope for the best.
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

    In the instance of rain, you should:
    a) never drive over 5 MPH.
    b) drive twice as fast as usual.
    c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

    Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

    Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
    a) Prozac
    b) Zovirax
    c) Lithium
    d) Zanax
    e) Valium
    f) Zoloft
    g) All of the above
    h) None of the above
    *If none, please explain:__________________.

    Length of daily commute:
    a) Less than 1 hour
    b) 1 hour
    c) 2 hours
    d) 3 hours
    e) 4 hours or more
    * If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

    When stopped by police, you should:
    a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
    ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

    When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
    a) using your directional signals.
    b) what is a "directional signal"?
  18. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her
    business has gone bust and she's in dire financial
    straits. She's so desperate that she decides to
    ask God for help.

    She begins to pray... "God, please help me.
    I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
    I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
    win the lottery."

    Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

    She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery!
    I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose
    my car as well."

    Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

    Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken
    me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My
    children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,
    and I've always been a good servant to You.

    PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I
    can get my life back in order."

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
    heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the
    Voice of God, Himself....

    "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
  19. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

    If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!



    {A} Almost Boobs...

    {B} Barely there.

    {C} Can't Complain!

    {D} Dang!

    {DD} Double dang!

    {E} Enormous!

    {F} Fake.

    {G} Get a Reduction.

    {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !





    Don't forget the German bra.

    Holtzemfromfloppen
  20. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

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    A ghost story


    This happened about a month ago just outside of Tiskilwa, a little town
    outside of Princeton in Illinois, and while it sounds like an Alfred
    Hitchcock tale, it's real.

    This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a
    real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

    Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

    It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
    Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in
    the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

    Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only
    then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of
    an engine to be heard over the rain

    Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to
    think of jumping out and running.

    The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
    scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he
    was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he
    would surely drown!

    But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
    and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
    around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the
    window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

    Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
    reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
    take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Tiskilwa.

    Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with voice quavering, ordered two
    shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

    A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the
    guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

    About half an hou r later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the
    other, "Look Bob, there's that guy that rode in our car when we were
    pushing it in the rain."

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