Jokes for between crashes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by rknrne, Jan 25, 2003.

  1. Draconis155

    Draconis155 New Member

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Finally, some "daffynitions" that make sense.


    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.


    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE:
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have. I have character lines
  2. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    The Day The Bass Players Took Over The World

    Johnny starting playing bass as a child.
    His encouraging mother always kept his spirits high
    and made him proud to be a bassist.

    One day he came home and said,
    "Mommy, Mommy! Today in school we did numbers,
    and most kids only got to ten, but I went to twenty!"

    "That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied,
    "That's because you're a bass player!"
    Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.

    The next day, Johnny came home saying,
    "Mommy! Mommy! Today we did the alphabet,
    and everyone else stopped at P, but I made it all the way to Z!"

    "That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied,
    "That's because you're a bass player!"
    Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.

    The next day, Johnny came home excited once again.
    "Mommy! Mommy!
    Today They measured us and I'm the tallest in my class!
    Is that because I'm a bass player?"
    "No Johnny," his Mother said,



    "That's because you're 28." :crazy: :laugh:
  3. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday,
    along with a coupon for four bass lessons.

    When the son returns from his first lesson,
    the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"
    "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string."

    Next week, after the second lesson,
    the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies,
    "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

    One week later, the son comes home far later than expected,
    smelling of cigarettes and beer.

    So the father asks:

    "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

    "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson;

    I had a gig!" :laugh: :rolleyes:
  4. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
    His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,
    but the mortgage on this house is $200,000
    and your mother just lost her job.
    There's no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw little Patrick
    heading out the front door with a suitcase.
    So he asked,
    "Son, where are you going?"

    Little Patrick told him,
    "I was walking past your room last night
    and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
    Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
    with an $200,000 mortgage

    and no bike!" :rolleyes: :rant:
  5. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Flu season


    Flu Season and the Church Organist
    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
    and had never been married.
    She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all..

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
    and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
    She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

    As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
    noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
    The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,
    a condom!
    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
    The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
    and its strange floater,but soon it got the better of him
    and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice",he said.
    "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
    "Oh, yes " she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park
    a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
    and that it would prevent the spread of disease.


    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

    STAY WELL!!! :smart: :)
  6. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    This was developed by an R & D department at Harvard Uni.
    Take your time and see if you can read each line without a mistake.
    The average person over forty can't do it.


    1.This is this cat.


    2.This is is cat.


    3.This is how cat.


    4.This is to cat.


    5.This is keep cat.


    6.This is an cat.


    7.This is old cat.


    8.This is fart cat.


    9.This is busy cat


    10.This is for cat


    11.This is forty cat.


    12 This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
    from the top down. :crazy:
  7. G-man

    G-man Prodigal Philanthropist

    Messages:
    6,854
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Lol!

    Good to see that the fella's down at Harvard are doin' something worthwhile these days... :laugh:
  8. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Looking for love

    A couple is lying in bed.

    The man says,

    "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."


    The woman replies,

    "I'll miss you..." :confused:
  9. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum,
    a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
    whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director,
    "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
    a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
    to empty the bathtub"

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
    "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
    than the spoon or the teacup.


    "No." said the Director,

    "A normal person would pull the plug.

    Do you want a bed near the window?" :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
  10. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Ohhhhh I get it now

    When a woman wears leather clothing,
    a man's heart beats quicker,
    his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the
    knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

    Ever wonder why?

    Because she smells like a new truck. :rolleyes:
  11. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
    When she went before the judge he asked her,

    "What did you steal?"

    She replied: a can of peaches.

    The judge asked her why she had stolen them
    and she replied that she was hungry.

    The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
    She replied 6.

    The judge then said,
    "I will give you 6 days in jail."

    Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
    the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge
    if he could say something.

    He said, " What is it? "
    The husband said

    "She also stole a can of peas." :smart:
  12. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

    You've gotta read this out LOUD...


    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
    and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
    then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
    says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
    that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
    then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

    When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
    and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk,
    then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
    just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!


    Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
  13. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    If My Body Were A Car

    If my body were a car,
    this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
    I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
    and my paint job is getting a little dull,
    but that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus
    and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
    I slip and slide and skid and bump into things
    even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

    My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it -
    almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
    either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

    :rolleyes: :D :rant: :flamemad: :exasper: :laugh2:
  14. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Who's on First ? - revisited

    Subject: Abbott and Costello here's a new version




    > COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...
    >
    > ABBOTT: Abbott's computer store. Can I help you?
    >
    > COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
    and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    >
    > ABBOTT: Mac?
    >
    > COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    >
    > ABBOTT: Your computer?
    >
    > COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    >
    > ABBOTT: Mac?
    >
    > COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    >
    > ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    >
    > COSTELLO: Why?? Will it get stuffy in here?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    >
    > COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    >
    > ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    >
    > COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something
    I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business.
    What do you have?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Office.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    >
    > ABBOTT: I just did.
    >
    > COSTELLO: You just did what?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    >
    > COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Yes.
    >
    > COSTELLO: For my office?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Yes.
    >
    > COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Office.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    >
    > ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    >
    > COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
    OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer
    and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Word.
    >
    > COSTELLO: What word?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    >
    > COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    >
    > ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    >
    > ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    >
    > COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w"
    if you don't start with some straight answers.
    OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.
    What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
    >
    > ABBOTT: Real One.
    >
    > COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
    > Can Iwatch them?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Of course.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Great! With what?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Real One.
    >
    > COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
    What do I do?
    >
    > ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
    >
    > COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    >
    > ABBOTT: The blue "1".
    >
    > COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
    >
    > ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
    >
    > COSTELLO: What word?
    >
    > ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    >
    > COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
    >
    > ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
    >
    > COSTELLO: It is?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
    It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    >
    > COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.
    Real One isn't even part of Office.
    >
    > COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again.
    What about financial bookkeeping?
    You have anything I can track my money with?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Money.
    >
    > COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Money.
    >
    > COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    >
    > ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    >
    > COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Money.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    >
    > COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    >
    > ABBOTT: One copy.
    >
    > COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    >
    > COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
    >
    > (A few days later...)
    >
    > ABBOTT: Abbott's computer store. Can I help you?
    >
    > COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
    >
    > ABBOTT: Click on "START."











    :smart: My reality check bounced :smart:
  15. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    The waitress asks for their orders.
    The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
    and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
    "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
    and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
    "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
    Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

    "The usual?" asks the waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night,
    so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
    "Same," says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
    "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change
    out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, sir.
    How do you manage to always come up
    with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man,
    "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
    When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket
    and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
    "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
    but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
    the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs,

    pauses, and answers,


    "My second wish was for a tall chick

    with a big ass and long legs

    who agrees with everything I say."
  16. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Girls Night Out

    ....From my sister

    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they're married:


    The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
    Promise.

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
    Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
    Just as I walked through the door,
    the cuckoo clock in the hall
    started up and cuckooed 3 times.
    Quickly,realizing my husband would probably wake up,
    I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself
    for coming up with such a quick-witted
    solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
    (Even when totally smashed.
    3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
    and I told him midnight.

    He didn't seem upset at all.

    Then he said,
    "We need a new cuckoo clock."
    When I asked him why, he said,

    "Well, last night the clock cuckooed three times,
    said Oh Sh*t, cuckooed 4 more times,
    cleared it's throat,
    cuckooed another 3 times,
    giggled, cuckooed twice more,

    and then tripped over the
    coffee table and farted."
    :exasper: :rolleyes:
  17. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Another joke from my sister

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his
    devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,
    but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an
    ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    The only person to apply for the job was a gay cowboy.
    She wasn't thrilled with having a gay guy around the ranch,
    but she didn't have much choice.
    The fellow proved to be a hard worker
    who put in long hours
    every day and knew a lot about ranching.



    For weeks the two of them worked hard
    and the ranch was doing very well.
    So one day the rancher's widow said
    "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
    You should go into town and kick up your heels."
    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
    He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room,
    he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
    with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


    She quietly called him over to her.


    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


    Trembling, he did as she directed.


    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


    "Now take off my socks."
    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


    "Now take off my skirt."
    He slowly unbuttoned it,
    constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


    "Now take off my bra."
    Again, with trembling hands
    did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


    Then she looked at him and said:

    "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!":wow: :smart: :exasper:
  18. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Subject: The French Thief

    A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings
    from the Louvre Museum.

    After careful planning, he got past security,
    stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
    However, he was captured only two blocks
    away when his van ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
    and then make such an such an obvious error,

    he replied,

    "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
    I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

    (See if you have De Gaulle
    to send this on to someone else.

    I sent it to
    you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.):D :smart: :rolleyes2
  19. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Navajo Message To The Moon

    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project,
    it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona
    for training.

    One day, a Navajo elder and his son
    came across the space crew
    walking among the rocks.

    The elder, who
    spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

    His son translated for the NASA people:
    "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

    One of the astronauts said that they were practicing
    for a trip to the moon.

    When his son relayed this comment
    the Navajo elder got all excited and
    asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts
    a message to deliver to the moon.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one,
    a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
    "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

    The Navajo elder's comment into the microphone was brief.
    The NASA official asked the son if he would translate
    what his father had said.

    The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.
    But he refused to translate.

    So the NASA people took the tape
    to a nearby Navajo village and played it
    for other members of the tribe.

    They too laughed long and loudly, but
    also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

    An official government translator was summoned.
    After he finally stopped
    laughing, the translator relayed the message:

    "WATCH OUT FOR THESE A*S-H*LES.
    THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND.":eek: :smart:
  20. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    My Living Will

    Last night my wife and I were sitting together in the living room.

    I said to her,
    "I never ever want to live in some form of a vegetative state.

    I don't want to be dependent on some damn machine,
    with fluids dripping into me from a lousy bottle.

    If that ever happens" I said,
    "just pull the plug."

    She got up, unplugged theTV,
    and emptied out my beer.

    She's such a bi*ch.......:flamemad: :smart: :p

Share This Page