Jokes for between crashes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by rknrne, Jan 25, 2003.

  1. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Budget Alternative

    Dear Mr. Harper,
    (or whoever is in power in there....)

    Please find below the 'BEST' suggestion
    for fixing Canada 's economy.

    Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry
    that will squander the money on lavish parties
    and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

    You can call it 'The Patriotic Retirement Plan'

    There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
    Pay them 1 million dollars ($1,000,000,000) apiece severance
    for early retirement, .............with the following stipulations:

    1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings -
    Unemployment fixed.

    2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered -
    Automotive Industry fixed.

    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
    Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.

    4) They must send their kids to school /
    /college / university / training courses -
    Crime rate fixed.

    5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week -
    Money back in duty / tax etc.

    It can't get any easier than that!

    P.S. If more money is needed,
    have all members of parliament pay back
    their falsely claimed expenses
    and second home allowances.

    If you think this would work,
    please forward to everyone you know.
    Thank You

    A Canadian Voter
  2. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Subject: Shopping at Costco

    Another one from my sister.........................
    Guess I'm one of those retired ones
    with too much time on my hands.
    Ann


    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO
    buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow
    for my loyal pet, Brista,
    and was in the checkout line
    when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant?
    So since I'm retired and have little to do,
    on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
    I was starting the Purina Diet again.
    I added that I probably shouldn't,
    because I ended up in the hospital last time,
    but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
    in an intensive care ward
    with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
    and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets
    with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
    and I was going to try it again.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
    was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
    because the dog food poisoned me.

    I told her no,
    I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass
    and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her
    was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    Better watch what you ask retired people.
    They have all the time in the world
    to think of crazy things to say.

    :smart:lol:cool2::exasper::eek:
  3. posdkjsh

    posdkjsh New Member

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    What did she think I had, an elephant?
    So since I'm retired and have little to do,
    on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
    I was starting the Purina Diet again.
    I added that I probably shouldn't,
    because I ended up in the hospital last time,
    but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
    in an intensive care ward
    with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
  4. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    Old Guys

    An old guy was in Lowe's the other day, pushing his cart around,
    when he Collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.
    He said to the young guy,

    "Sorry about that.
    I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying
    Attention to where I was going.."

    The young guy says, "That's OK.
    It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for My wife, too.
    I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

    The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
    What does Your wife look like?"

    The young guy says, "Well, she’s 24 years old,
    tall, with blond hair, Green eyes, long legs, big boobs
    and she's wearing tight white Shorts, a halter top and no bra.

    What does your wife look like?"

    The old guy said,
    "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

    Most old guys are helpful like that.
  5. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

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    This 'IS' tough love.

    Poem to MOM

    My son came home from school one day,
    With a smirk upon his face.
    He decided he was smart enough,
    To put me in my place.

    'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
    that's taught by Mr. Wright?
    It's all about the laws today,
    The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

    It says I need not clean my room,
    Don't have to cut my hair
    No one can tell me what to think,
    Or speak, or what to wear.

    I have freedom from religion,
    And regardless what you say,
    I don't have to bow my head,
    And I sure don't have to pray..

    I can wear earrings if I want,
    And pierce my tongue & nose.
    I can read & watch just what I like,
    Get tattoos from head to toe.

    And if you ever spank me,
    I'll charge you with a crime.
    I'll back up all my charges,
    With the marks on my behind.

    Don't you ever touch me,
    My body's only for my use,
    Not for your hugs and kisses,
    that's just more child abuse.

    Don't preach about your morals,
    Like your Mama did to you.
    That's nothing more than mind control,
    And it's illegal too!

    Mom, I have these children's rights,
    So you can't influence me,
    Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
    Better known as C.S.D.'

    [Mom's Reply and Thoughts]

    Of course my first instinct was
    To toss him out the door.
    But the chance to teach him a lesson
    Made me think a little more.

    I mulled it over carefully,
    I couldn't let this go.
    A smile crept upon my face,
    he's messing with a pro.

    Next day I took him shopping
    At the local Goodwill Store.
    I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
    there's shirts & pants galore.

    I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
    Who said they didn't care
    If I bought you K-Mart shoes
    Instead of those Nike Airs.

    I've canceled that appointment
    To take your driver's test.
    The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
    So I'll decide what's best. '

    I said 'No time to stop and eat,
    Or pick up stuff to munch.
    And tomorrow you can start to learn
    To make your own sack lunch.

    Just save the raging appetite,
    And wait till dinner time.
    We're having liver and onions,
    A favorite dish of mine.'

    He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
    To watch on my VCR?'
    'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
    For new tires on my car.
    I also rented out your room,
    You'll take the couch instead.
    The C .S.D. Requires
    Just a roof over your head.

    Your clothing won't be trendy now,
    I'll choose what we eat.
    That allowance that you used to get,
    Will buy me something neat.

    I'm selling off your jet ski,
    Dirt-bike & roller blades.
    Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
    It's in effect today!

    Hey hot shot, are you crying,
    Why are you on your knees?
    Are you asking God to help you out,
    Instead of C.S.D..?'

    Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised teenagers,
    have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
    OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH


    MOM (Mean Old Mother)

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