OT: Singing the Blues (Humour + Long)

Discussion in 'rec.music.guitar' started by Rick N. Backer, Aug 21, 2003.

  1. Singin' the blues... a guide

    If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never
    really understood the why and wherefores, here are
    some very fundamental rules:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
    Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
    line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
    in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
    right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort
    of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500
    pound"

    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
    ditch, you stuck in a ditch.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
    broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
    BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
    transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
    train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
    ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part
    in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
    to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
    "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
    chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
    Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in
    Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
    depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis,
    and Nawlins are still the best places to have the
    Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
    don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A
    woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg
    'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your
    leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
    mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking
    lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    11. Bad places for the Blues:
    a. Nordstrom
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
    suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you
    slept in it.

    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a trust fund

    14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
    bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny
    Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up
    on the Blues.

    15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you
    gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues
    beverages are:
    a. cheap wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
    shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
    jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the
    electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
    broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
    die during a tennis match or while getting
    liposuction.

    17. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    18. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer,
    Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
    many men they shoot in Memphis.

    20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
    etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
    Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
    Fillmore, etc.)
    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
    Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
    not "Kiwi.")

    21. I don't care how tragic your life is:
    if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues,
    period.


    Ken Wilson

    Amer. Dlx. Tele, Gary Moore LP,
    Jeff Beck Strat, Morgan OM Acoustic,
    Rick 360/12, Standard Strat (MIM),
    Mesa 100 Nomad, Mesa F-30

    "Just because people don't understand
    you doesn't mean you are an artist"

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