Post your own lyrics for critique!

Discussion in 'Lyrics' started by Hopkins, Feb 14, 2003.

  1. Hopkins

    Hopkins New Member

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    This topic was inspired by jeaniesing who helped me with a few things.

    I'm going to post some of my songs and I want others to critique. Other people feel free to post their songs for critique also. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONLY, which means if my or someone else's lyrics suck, don't just say "your lyrics suck", tell what could be done to improve the song or if you like it, say so.

    Anyhow, this is my first song I'm going to post:
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Impossible
    by M L Hopkins

    Verse 1:
    No one ever told me
    That I could be anything I want to be
    I never heard any
    You can make its, its possible, maybe's
    But people pointed out
    All the negative things
    All the "you can'ts"
    The Impossible Dream

    Chorus 1:
    Impossible
    You can't do those things
    All the no way's
    Ever sold to me
    In one ear
    And out the other
    I could never believe in the word
    Impossible

    Verse 2:
    Me, I had to work extra hard
    To put those impossible chants to rest
    Double time on a job
    That brought ultimate amounts of stress
    Through the impossibles I swam
    To banks I was told I wouldn't tread
    And I'm happy where I am
    And I did what I always said

    Chorus 2:
    But Impossible
    I couldn't have done those things
    No way's
    Always said to me
    In one Ear
    Out the other
    I could never believe in the word
    Impossible

    Bridge:
    All those Impossibles
    Made it seem like I had no options
    Other than to accept second best
    But I could never settle for less

    Verse 3:
    Through the hard times
    Down to those awful sleepless nights
    The war in my mind
    Will Impossible or I win the fight
    Plenty of times I almost quit
    But it would come together in my head
    Impossible could never stick
    I'd never be happy with less

    And then I proved

    Chorus 3:
    Nothing's Impossible
    And then I did everything
    All the "no way's"
    Ever told to me
    In one ear
    And out the other
    I could never believe in the word
    Impossible

    Copyright 2001 M L Hopkins Winston-Salem, NC
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    So tell me what I need to change? I wrote this a few years back (I'm typing up some of my older stuff first). Since I haven't looked at this song in a while, I can see some changes that need to be made, but others can always see better than the writer his/her self.
  2. jeaniesing

    jeaniesing Super Moderator Staff Member Super Mod

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    Yeahhh... I can see this....... speech rhythms for most of the words drawn out at the ends of sections..... Nice :)

    Hey - I lived in Winston-Salem when I was a kid... learned to speak there... Mommy says the accent STILL surfaces when I get angry ;) I'm thinking it was well before you were born though ;)
  3. hope xo

    hope xo New Member

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    very nice ... great work!
  4. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    angelus,that's so sweet..i already told u that when i read da original script :rolleyes: ..hehe..neways, i'm posting 3 lyrics out of the 4 i've written..

    This is the first ever song I wrote penned down 3 years ago so it might sound pretty immature..it has no melody like every other song I’ve written and it sounds pretty ‘popish’ but I’d like to know what u think of it..feel free to critic.



    This may be my first song but i'd never risk losing it..so i'm taking it back..thanx 2 DanniGirl23 for actually bringing out the point and to Angelus for reminding me how precious my writings are although they ain't perfect. With that, I rest my case. LMAO.
    :borg:
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2003
  5. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    Another of mine

    This is something I wrote long (3 yrs) ago..it’s like my third attempt..the song doesn’t have any melody yet.. I know this song sounds very ‘popish’ since I still listened to pop then..i never liked those mushy too-good-to-be-true love songs (but heck, i ended up writing one)…and i’m anti-pop now.. hehe..maybe someone can suggest a suitable title for it..well critics, have your way. :borg:


    This one too i'm taking back.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2003
  6. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    And Yet Another From Me....

    This is my favorite among all..my fourth attempt written last year..this is one lyric where I seriously thought before writing resulting in every single line in this song to hold a specific meaning …this ain’t ‘popish’ no more, it’s supposed to have some kinda alternative touch to it..i haven’t decided on the title so suggestions are most welcome..the second one sounds like the title to Norah Jones’ track(d*mn)..this song has no melody either but I’ve a friend who offered to compose melody 4 me but still isn’t done with it yet..and he’s from another country so i might not get to hear it ever..i’ll try to work on it myself after exams..well, I need lotsa feedback..i won’t be writing anymore till the end of this year after my SPM/MCE (final, most important exam paper at high school) :hit: examinations… I have ideas for the next song but comments on this will help me lotz.

    Sorry guys..this is my most precious work and i had to take it back in fear of someone who might steal it. :borg:
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2003
  7. slaminsammie

    slaminsammie jeaniesing faveblueturnip

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    if someone would not make fun of me here

    I Pray
    by sammie b

    everytime I pass you by it feels so amazing

    chorus
    but im leavin and ill miss you forever and every night
    i lay my head down to sleep i pray to beonly yours i pray to be
    close to you
    I pray

    even though im leavin i still pray for you to sweep me away one day I dream of you and feel so amazing but i wake and i cry for you

    chorus x2
  8. slaminsammie

    slaminsammie jeaniesing faveblueturnip

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    plz mail me your thoughts on this song
  9. M.O.T.E.

    M.O.T.E. New Member

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    March
    By Myslef

    We keep our dead behind steel bars
    Dead or alive we keep them close
    As a memento to the ones of ill
    As a sign that we love to kill

    He who was said to mad
    Is slain by the Eagle
    Who steps back to her nest
    To rest a while

    Before the sun meets the dawn
    We fear to walk upon ours sons
    Stories of old keep us still
    Dead men’s blood we dare not spill

    Not of hate guilt jealousy nor greed
    We dare not walk among creeds
    The fear of him makes me heed
    That my soul my not bleed

    Then a great Power shall raise
    His true colors ablaze
    Destruction blood and fire
    For three and half years

    The eagle takes to the sky
    With the hand of god at her side
    Fly’s high to the sun and
    Not one saw her coming
  10. DaNNiGirL23

    DaNNiGirL23 New Member

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    All of those lyrics are great but for all of you guy's sake's i hope no idiot goes an dmakes millions off of your lyrics because they got them off of here. Remember you never know what could happen even if its says its copywritten. Keep up the good work never the less.
    HoLLa
  11. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    yeah..u're right..but then again..this is a cool place where we can actually get some feedback...any comments on my stuff pls post it here or pm me..

    p/s: any idiots out there planning to steal our stuff better beware cuz u never know how we can screw u up :borg:
  12. slaminsammie

    slaminsammie jeaniesing faveblueturnip

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    hmm i wonder if im good at writing songs
  13. TragicMidi

    TragicMidi New Member

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    As for people stealing lyrics. The minute we posted them here, which is time stamped by the server they technically became copyrighted... anyhoo. I dance noW! *dance*
  14. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    yeah..but on second thought..i ain't too sure that they'd even care...i'm removing mine for good..if there's anyone who's gonna make millions out of my mind it's gonna be ME and ME only.So thanx to DanniGirl23 and a lil advice from Angelus who happens to be my sis i'm now gonna remove my lyrics from this page..as i D.T.A. (Don't Trust Anyone).
  15. M.O.T.E.

    M.O.T.E. New Member

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    The cheep mans / or womans copyright. Mail a letter to yourself with the copyright stuff inside. then it's copywriten, because the post office has the last word on that. Just don't open it. keep it closed till you have to go to court. works evertime. :hit: So don't be so parinoid. :thumbsup: so lets here it eh!
  16. dmx12354

    dmx12354 New Member

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    your all jewish
  17. M.O.T.E.

    M.O.T.E. New Member

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    Ho come on. racism died out in the late 1960's - it's all about money now, don't you read the news! :laugh: :hit: :werd: :gay: :barf: :assskake:
  18. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    LMAO!!!!
    I ain't paranoid..my lyrics were up for a couple of days and it's just too bad u didn't read em...i still stand by my opinion and i won't be putting em up till i change my mind. sorry people but it ain't easy finding that particular idiot who stole my stuff..hell, i might not even know if someone steals my stuff and makes millions out of it...worse still if he/she's a foreigner, there's even more work and money involved. I ain't asking anyone to follow in my footsteps..i'm just doing what i think is good 4 me... :borg:
  19. M.O.T.E.

    M.O.T.E. New Member

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    I wish someone would steel my lyics, or music because, i would bechrush em like a bug in court.
  20. lilaznjuliet

    lilaznjuliet New Member

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    Yea, I'd be afraid that someone would steal my stuff. I don't understand why someone would do that, now if they were quoting or something and gave credit that'd be nice. Sometimes you can't truest anyone. :(

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