Post your own lyrics for critique!

Discussion in 'Lyrics' started by Hopkins, Feb 14, 2003.

  1. SLily

    SLily New Member

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    Great songs everybody, i love to write songs, but can never get melodies. i thought of twolines today:::

    "I want to walk 10,000 miles in your shoes, you are so beautiful"

    i'm hoping to make that into a song. I'm sort of crushing on a guuy so i've got way to much bubblegum love songs in my head. :rolleyes:
  2. LP_rox_5379

    LP_rox_5379 New Member

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    guuuys! yous are all legends! i thought i was weird because i wrote songs... now i know that lots of ppl do, thanx for showing me the bright side of life :). nah really, i've written 9 songs, but i don't know if i should post them here or not. what do you reckon? i'd love to be a sing/songwriter. but i guess lots of ppl do these days...
    well what the heck. here's my first ever song. i just pray that no one steals it, please... i'm only 14.... :) does that make a difference??!!!


    Thinking back
    To the times so long ago
    You’re way off the track
    To where no one knows

    Why did your heart grow cold,
    Your smiles disappear
    From all this pain I feel old
    But still my destiny’s unclear

    Chorus:
    Although love had seemed strong (so strong)
    Those times are gone now (gone forever)
    I know somehow we went wrong(oh so long ago)
    But I’ll get over you some time, some how (sometime, somehow)


    Fighting on
    I won’t lose sight of my goal
    Til the feelings are gone
    And I ’gain feel whole

    I’ll be just like you are
    Moving on with life
    But still I can’t help wonder
    Who will be your wife

    Chorus x2

    Bridge:

    Oh, oh

    Good times will come and those good times will go
    And the love of my dreams did that also
    So I know we weren’t meant to be together
    But still you’re in my heart forever

    Oh

    Chorus

    Mm
    I’ll get over you
    Some time
    Somehow


    So, what d'ya reckon? does it make sense?? probably not but i was just mucking around then. its probably my most innocent song too.... which is why i don't think i'll post any of the others!! sheesh i didn't notice the song was that long.. its not that long when i sing it.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2003
  3. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    wow...good work for a 14 year old...it's kinda lovey-dovey but hey,i too started off with love songs..
    i ain't no pro but u've got lotsa potential there ;)
  4. LP_rox_5379

    LP_rox_5379 New Member

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    thanx :)

    haha, i can't really rite about much except lovey dovey kinda stuff!! mind you... lots of the ones i've written are more about hate than love. actually i just looked and there are only 2 about hating a guy, another is about a girl.. which is a real life story except i made the ending happy for me;).

    hmm. i'm wondering whether or not i should take my song lyrics off or not. i doubt anyone would want to steal them but ya never no, some amateurs would do anything to get in the music biz...

    still.. i'll think about it...
  5. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    i had the same doubts when i posted on this thread..it's been months since and nothing has happened..
    i think there ain't much 2 worry about..just keep ur fingers crossed...like me ;)
  6. squeeser

    squeeser New Member

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    Critique Please!

    Stepmother
    Copyright © 2003 Alicia Pikora

    Dad married you today
    A baby girl is on the way
    He don’t see, that’s too bad
    Outside, you wear a mask
    Sadly, I was fooled too
    Soon we’ll run away from you
    Lady if you only knew

    Stepmother, so cruel to my brother
    Daddy is so blind, wears a smile all the time
    You underestimate me, but I can really see
    Your heart is just not right
    Your life is lead in spite

    You slapped my face today
    I didn’t sense the pain
    Because all I feel is hate
    You assured him that I lied
    To spare your foolish pride
    He’ll soon see how you are
    We all know you’ve gone too far.

    Don’t underestimate me
    You underestimate me
    But I can really see

    His wage is not so much
    Anymore and now your touch
    Is weakening much the same
    And still it’s me you blame
    For you’re leaving him today
    “I told him so” I’ll say
    I knew you just weren’t right
    But he put up a fight
    You underestimated me
    Underestimated me
    But, I can really see

    You selfish bitch
    We were only kids
    You should be ashamed
    You don’t deserve our name

    Stepmother, so cruel to my brother
    Daddy is so blind, you’re not too far behind
    You underestimate me, underestimate me
    But, I really see, yes I can really see.
  7. G-man

    G-man Prodigal Philanthropist

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    Wow, that's powerful.
    Very sad, honest subject matter from the heart.
    Keep on writing is my advice!
    And don't be selfish writing just for yourself, get it out there.
  8. sparakowski

    sparakowski New Member

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    Very nice.. Keep going, i would say
  9. Maddster

    Maddster New Member

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    Consequences

    Hi, I'm Maddy, 15/f/NSW and these are some lyrics I wrote for a memorial song for a play I am in.

    Consequences

    All it took
    Was just one day
    Just one thing
    To happen

    Now I’m lonely
    Swept away
    What am I to do
    Without you

    Chorus
    Got to think before you act
    Think about the consequences.
    Who you’re leaving behind
    Think about the consequences.
    What’s done is done
    You can never go back.

    Now I wish
    I’d talked to you
    Instead of anger
    Which was all I knew
    I didn’t know
    What it could mean

    Chorus

    Look what the world has lost
    Look what’s passed them by
    If only, if only
    Too late for What if's oh oh oh

    Chorus x2 fade

    Well thats my lyrics, but the thing is i can sing and write lyrics but I can't play an instument or anything so if someone could maybe come up with a midi and a tune for these lyrics it would be wonderful, or if anyone could post comments I would appreciate it greatly. Love Maddy
  10. Aerond

    Aerond New Member

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    MDniteStryKR, I like your lyrics but as for poems more than songs.
    Here´s something mine...well, translated from spanish, so some verses may have no sense...

    HER WORDS

    She sat around
    She likes the words
    That came from my guitar
    That usually finished spreaded on the floor

    She listened
    What I told her
    We spent evenings
    Knowing that we were wasting them

    She told me
    That what I sang
    Were big emotions
    Emotions felt by me

    She meant something to me
    She knew that I couldn´t
    Follow other way
    That she was showing me

    I don´t know if it´s a dream
    Those evenings passed by
    Those things that
    Someday were all to me
    I don´t know if she´s alive
    Or she´s not around
    I miss her so much
    That I don´t know if I have imagined her

    She used to tell me
    Things about her family
    Her loved things
    That she missed day after day

    She used to
    Sit on a chair
    A chair that I keep
    With a broken leg

    She said to me
    Things that I wouldn´t forget
    Things that make me now
    Miss her again

    She whispered
    So soft and so near
    Songs to my ears
    Songs that never existed

    I don´t know if it´s a dream
    Those evenings passed by
    Those things that
    Someday were all to me
    I don´t know if she´s alive
    Or she´s not around
    I miss her so much
    That I don´t know if I have imagined her

    Nobody told me
    That she would leave
    I simply called her
    But nobody answered

    And now she is all
    I only think about her
    Nobody knows anything
    Nobody knows

    I don´t know if it´s a dream
    Those evenings passed by
    Those things that
    Someday were all to me
    I don´t know if she´s alive
    Or she´s not around
    I miss her so much
    That I don´t know if I have imagined her
  11. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    Thanx..yeah the rhymes make em sound like a poem..they don't even have a melody yet..
    but really, songs are also a form of poem..
  12. Aerond

    Aerond New Member

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    Yeah, songs are poems and poems are songs :)
  13. ViperTST

    ViperTST New Member

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    @Aerond


    thats very cool
  14. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    Aerond, i just read ur lyrics..didn't read em the other day..nice song..reminds me of myself ;)
  15. MTM

    MTM New Member

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    ::: Imaginary :::

    I linger in the doorway
    Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
    Let me stay
    Where the wind will whisper to me
    Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

    In my field of paper flowers
    And candy clouds of lullaby
    I lie inside myself for hours
    And watch my purple sky fly over me

    Don't say i'm out of touch
    With this rampant chaos - your reality
    I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
    The nightmare i built my own world to escape

    In my field of paper flowers
    And candy clouds of lullaby
    I lie inside myself for hours
    And watch my purple sky fly over me

    Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
    Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
    Oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
    The goddess of imaginary light
  16. MDniteStryKR

    MDniteStryKR I'll come back to you when I'm dead! Staff Member Super Mod

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    Nice lyrics there MTM..just the way i like it..not the mushy mushy too good to be true love song..
    it's mysterious with no fixed concept..sweet
    ;)
  17. fiestyfreak

    fiestyfreak New Member

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    comments please...n not jus u suck!!

    And it's funny now to see your eyes in such a relaxed context
    Instead of the whole 'in ya face intense staring craving thing' I went through,
    It has passed, you get through anything eventually
    Even though that sounds heartless and cold it's true, in time human nature makes you forget things and people
    Just like I'm so over you.

    Hey, my relationship with you has been so confusing and utterly crazy,
    I remember when I wished so darkly that you were gone and out of the way
    And now you are,
    And yeh I do feel deprived,
    Cuz you rubbed off on me rather well.

    Hello, remember me?
    I spilled guts and heart and everything to you and at the time
    You listened, and made me feel a little less guilty about life.
    But you slipped into all the stuff you swore you wouldn't
    And it's funny to see what a sheep you are, ha I told everyone you weren't.

    I heard you saw my mum and you asked how I was doing
    Was I enjoying myself? Was I settled?
    Makes a change to your previous scheming ways
    Have you honestly forgotton
    All the pain you inflicted on me??

    Well, it was 3 years since you contacted me
    And even now you have numerous chances to interact with me
    You don't
    The pointlessness of your quest
    It baffles me, was it just so you could brag (to a (in your opinion) lesser?)

    I saw you in that hall recently
    Months of scolding and rebuking me hah,
    Now I have really lost all that hatred for you I had
    I actaully feel some empathy with you
    We were always outwitting each other.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    not completely finished, i just kind of exploded all my thoughts one night...see what u think:

    I seem to spend half of my life advising and consoling and ego boosting
    Half my time begging and searching for friendliness
    Feeling jealous and or inadequate
    Why can't I just get over it?

    As soon as 1 problem's evaporated the next surfaces within minutes,
    I feel I have to compromise myself to others
    Not stand out too much else I'll be looked down on.
    His love for her is not an insult to me
    So clear
    Why can't I make myself understand that??

    I'm nervous and shaking waiting for responses
    I often find it impossible to see the positive of myself.
    And i often feel as if I'm walking through some warped comedy sketch.
    But no one laughs except me.

    Maybe I am better off alone.
    Maybe other people are only obstacles.
    If isloated my imagination can go wild.
    But in company I am utterly led.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I depended on you to give me any confidence boost
    I drilled it into my head u cared
    I deluded myself no end
    And now the hard coldness reveals itself and i am broken.

    This is it, this is where it all ends.
    This is time for me to let go of all this
    This infatuation that has got out of hand.
    This madness that I have encouraged.
    This world which I have made myself think a reality.
    This pain that you (probably unmeaningly) have inflicted upon me.
    This loss and jealousy I now feel.
    This second I am going to release me.

    I created a non-existant empathy between us
    I dragged myself down right beneath you
    I tossed and turned like leaves at your feet
    I imagined too many rolling hills and pleasing scenery...

    This is the end, this time I will erase my memory.
    This is the point from which I'll take heed and fly,
    This is when I realise I was only drugged on you.
    Let my intelligence rule instead of my emotion.
    This is high time I stopped hanging around,
    Waiting for attention.
    This is now when I realise that point is none.
    This is hell, not even minute amounts of pleasure.

    I was selfish and I was self-seeking
    I believed in too much destiny and meant-to-bes
    I plummeted in a downward direction
    I made you ritual

    This is my gotten through call to myself
    This is the time I listen to a little sense
    This is it, where I finally release me.
    This is it where, there is no more uneasiness
    This is my new world where I have freedom to think
    About something other than you.
    This is my wiped clean window
    This is my resolution restored.

    I am sorry I clung to you like a lost child.
    I am sorry I presumed without evidence.
    I am sorry that you felt me to be a burden.
    And sorry for screaming like an idiot
    I am no longer weak.
    I will no longer ask you for anything.
    Goodbye I'm bidding (sadly) for the last time.
    But I guess you'll maybe feel relieved anyway...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2004
  18. daniellej277

    daniellej277 New Member

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    heres my song i wrote..

    BOY SO FINE

    oh we boy do ya know the joy i feel when i look in your eyes im

    hypnotised im wise to the games your playin with me so boy so

    fine why dont ya swing my way i know we can hit it off just right i

    need your lovin cause its so sweet i know your the one for me

    tonights the night i aint holdin nothin back i dont give a damn

    what anybody says

    (chorous)why dont ya swing my way boy so fine

    oh please swing my way boy ohho boy so fine i know your the

    one for me boy so fine we can hit it off just right.....
  19. daniellej277

    daniellej277 New Member

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    FAR AWAY

    Do u look into his eyes and try not ta cry ya know he dosent love

    you the way that you love him does his smile seem ta fade when

    you look at his face does your world seem blue when he turns

    away from you but you know some day far away someone will

    love you now your sitin in the dark cryin cause he broke your

    heart and you know some day far away someone ...........will love

    you oh ho some one......will.......love.......you...

    (heres another song I wrote)



    IF YOU LOVED ME (solo)

    you said youd never leave me and youd always be with me

    look at you now now where are you now that youve come back in

    my life you expect me not to cry when you say i love you if you

    loved me then why did you leave me if you loved me why didnt

    you call to let me know you werent coming home to me when i

    was all alone if you loved me why did you break my heart and

    leave me with this pain after all this time i feel its a crime to my

    heart because i still love you i just think if you loved me you

    would have done these things

    (soloist&chorous)

    if you loved me you would have been there when i needed you if

    you loved me you would have cried with me if you loved me you

    would have shown it baby i cant go back to you cause i dont

    wanna hurt like that no more sorry i cant love you no more

    (solo)

    if you love me leave and never return

    ..... heres another song i wrote enjoy.....
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2004
  20. TornMoon

    TornMoon New Member

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    a song that i'm sure you'll like

    TornMoon

    The enginee turns but doesn't start
    like my life it lacks a spark
    with no thought of inspiration
    no grain of determination
    no sense of destination
    no place to go but home
    and if the car would start i'd go

    I'd go, i'd try to drive
    as far as i can tonight
    with no thought that i should even try
    to make things right this time

    My desires burn to ashes
    as each new car passes me by
    and i try to find a ray of hope
    but i don't, and in the end i know
    if this is all there is i'll go

    I'll go, i'll try to drive
    as far as i can tonight
    with no thought that i should even try
    to make things right this time
    to make things right this time

    and if the table turned would you turn away
    and save your tears for another day
    with all your good intentions wronged
    with all the complications you've caused
    and if this car would start i'm gone

    i'm gone i'm out of here
    as i lose faith in the value of my fears
    cause there's nothing left for me here
    i'm gone, to a place unknown
    with no place left to go but home
    and if the car would start i'd go
    if the car would start i'd go

    I'd go off
    in a new direction
    over burned bridges resurrected
    and a TornMoon climbing in the sky
    it's so hard to say goodbye (x4)
    but i will try

    and all the things that hide inside my mind
    will reveal themselves in time
    and before my ambitious spirit dies
    i've got to try
    but it's so hard to say good-bye
    :cool:
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2004

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