The Best "Musician" Jokes ?!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Notator, May 25, 2003.

  1. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Who has some Musician or Musical jokes then ??????
    We could just start off with all the Drummer ones !!!!
  2. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ok...so I'll start !!!

    How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door ??

    The knock speeds up.
  3. celtictony

    celtictony New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
    Homeless!
  4. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Q. How many female lead singers does it take to change a lighbulb ?

    A. Just one. She holds the bulb straight up in the air and waits for the rest of the world to revolve around her.
  5. bmplustm79

    bmplustm79 New Member

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    haha some of those were pretty corny but they still made me giggle
  6. MisterRogers

    MisterRogers New Member

    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Why does a drummer put his drumsticks in the window?

    To park in the handicap spots.


    What do you call 500 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?

    A start.

    *Rimshots*
  7. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

    A: Because he took up hor-monica.
  8. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''
    They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.''
  9. Notator

    Notator New Member

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
    Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

    The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

    When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

    He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

    So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

    Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
  10. voice of god

    voice of god Prodigal Pyjamas Pervert Staff Member Super Mod

    Messages:
    5,830
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
  11. Snowdragon

    Snowdragon New Member

    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I have a slightly different version of this joke:

    The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''
    They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.''

    Add that some cellos went with the bassists and that two didnt come back. Near the end of the concert, a person leans over to who she is sitting next to and asks "whats going on" as the conductor struggles with the score. The friend then responds "It's the bottom of the 9th, the basses are loaded, there are two outs and the score is tied." ^_^

    Now for some one liners:

    Q: What's the definition of an optomist?
    A: A Choral Director with a pager

    Q: How do you know when the French Horn section is standing outside your door?
    A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in

    Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower.
    A: Vibrato

    Q: How do you know when a plane is full of flute players?
    A: When the engines cut off, the whining continues

    Q: What's the range of a piccolo?
    A: Oh, about 30 yards on a good day

    Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch for a piccolo?
    A: Into the garbage can without touching the rim

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with a musician?
    A: A drummer

    Q: How do you make a Trombone sound like a French Horn
    A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes

    Q: How do you get two oboes to play in unison?
    A: Shoot one

    Q: What's the difference between a flute player and a seamstress?
    A: A seamstress tucks the frills

    Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline

    Q: What time signature is ballet music written in?
    A: 2/2

    Yes, sadly those were all off the top of my head. I have more but I won't torture you with the corniness! ^_^
  12. voice of god

    voice of god Prodigal Pyjamas Pervert Staff Member Super Mod

    Messages:
    5,830
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    :laugh: they are awesome! I love this thread
  13. Snowdragon

    Snowdragon New Member

    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    More..... (I have no life)

    Batman, Superman, and the Terminator were all going to a costume party where they were to dress as famous composers. Batman said "I'm going to be Beethovan, i've always liked his music. What about you, Superman?"
    Superman replied, "Well, i've always been a fan of Mozart, so I think I'll be Mozart."
    They both turned to the Terminator and asked "How about you?"
    The Terminator looked at them and said "I'll be Bach."

    ~~~~~~~~~
    Q: How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Just one, but they have to go through an entire box to find JUST the right one!

    Q: What's the difference between an Oboe and an Onion?
    A: No one cries when you cut up an oboe into little pieces

    Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
    A: Someone who owns a Viola, but doesn't play it

    Q: How many Flautists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but she has to twist it back and forth for an hour before she decides it's in the right place
    (or)
    A: Six: One to change the light bulb, one to pull the ladder from under her to take the credit, three to bitch about how much better than could have done it, and one to tell the band director that she was responsible for changing the lightbulb (in an attempt to gain favor)

    Q: How is a viola like a lawsuit?
    A: Everyone's happy when the case is closed!

    Q: What's the difference between a oboist and a seamstress?
    A: A seamstress tucks up frills

    Q: How do you fix a Sousaphone?
    A: With a tuba glue

    Q: How is a horn section like a SCUD missile attack?
    A: They never hit the same place twice

    Q: How do you get an oboe to play A flat?
    A: Take the batteries out of his tuner

    Q: What do you call a good flute section?
    A: Impossible

    Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chainsaw?
    A: The Exhaust

    Q: Why did the trumpet player play so many wrong notes?
    A: Because he kept ignoring the key signature... he thought it was a suggestion

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Definitions:
    Glissando - The way string players play fast notes
    Fermata - A change for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make the woodwind players passout
    Piccolo - An impossible to tune shrieking twig that can take out an entire brass section when used correctly (or incorrectly)

    I do believe my brain is full of more music jokes than useful information :)
  14. holycow

    holycow New Member

    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    What do you call 20 violins playing?

    An act of violence. (Or violin-ce or something like that)
  15. Nyxan

    Nyxan It wont hurt for long Staff Member Moderator

    Messages:
    3,406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Q: Whats the difference between a Moose and a band
    A: The Moose has the horns up front and the arsehole at the back
  16. Snowdragon

    Snowdragon New Member

    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Now that one is great, i'd forgotten it!

    A few more for your viewing pleasure.....

    Q: What's the difference between Kenny G and an UZI?
    A: The machine gun repeats only 50 times.

    Q: How do you get a tuba player off your doorstep?
    A: You pay for the pizza

    Q: What do a saxophone and baseball have in common?
    A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.


    Finale......

    Q: What's the difference between a drum solo and a kaleidoscope?
    A: One is an endless array of random patterns usually geared to a four year old child, and the other is a small tube containing bits of glass you put up your eye and rotate.


    And some definitions....
    string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

    detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

    subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

    risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
  17. Nyxan

    Nyxan It wont hurt for long Staff Member Moderator

    Messages:
    3,406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  18. Snowdragon

    Snowdragon New Member

    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I really do love instrument jokes.......

    Q:How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
    A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

    Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
    A: So violinists can understand them.

    Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
    A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

    Q: Why do violinists smile when they play?
    A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed violin in the road?
    A: Skid marks before the skunk.

    Q: How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
    A: Write "pp, espressivo"

    Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
    A: A flat minor.

    Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army regiment?
    A: A flat major

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

    Q: What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
    A: I don't know either.

    Q: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
    A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

    Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
    A: Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

    Q: What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
    A: Solitaire.

    Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
    A: They've had so little use.

    Definitions.......
    senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

    preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

    crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

    conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

    clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

    transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

    vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
  19. tulkas

    tulkas New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    oiaeuheaoiuheaoueahoeauh
    the one liners rules
  20. Snowdragon

    Snowdragon New Member

    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    If you are or have been in a marching band, this site is hilarious
    It is "The Official Band Dictionary"
    have fun ^_^

    http://members.aol.com/BenWhite/banddict.htm

    Definitions:
    half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

    chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

    bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

    beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
    c
    adence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

    virtuoso: a musician with very high morals.

    music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

    ritard: the guy holding the stick.

    clef: what you try never to fall off of.

    bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.

Share This Page