Wouldl ike some feedback on these lyrics

Discussion in 'Lyrics' started by Thegz1, Sep 1, 2003.

  1. Thegz1

    Thegz1 New Member

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Verse 1
    She's beautiful, and she don't care
    Just being alive makes her happy
    It doesn't matter what she wears
    Shes always quietly pretty.

    She sits there with her hair pulled tight
    She's made up, but doesn't need it
    Her smile can light the darkest night
    She's amazing, and doesn't know it

    Chorus
    Never felt this way before
    Eachday I seem to love her more
    Never told her that though
    Always afraid of what I don't know


    Verse 2
    Wanna tell her how I feel,
    Wanna tell her it can work
    All the wounds she's got, I'll heal
    I'll never make her hurt

    Her Eyes the color of the skies
    Her Skin Smooth to the touch
    Outside Im happy, But my heart cries
    I wanna be with her so much

    Never had the words to say
    Exactly how I felt
    Maybe, I'll find them today
    The kind to make her heart melt

    I wanna make her mine
    She's the better half of me
    I'm running outta time
    Don't know where I'll be.........
    Without her


    Chorus (2x)
    Never felt this way before
    Eachday I seem to love her more
    Never told her that though
    Always afraid of what I don't know
  2. billy hunt

    billy hunt New Member

    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    boring :sleep:
  3. pepefan

    pepefan New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I must agree on that one! I don't care for it!:flush:
  4. leesie_maree

    leesie_maree New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I liked it! it's refreshing to see that new love is alive and kicking! i think we can all relate to that awesome feeling. The lyrics are a little on the sappy side, but i think if accompanied by a heavy bass line.. they could really work. keep at it champ!
  5. rknrne

    rknrne Active Member

    Messages:
    2,371
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    hmmmmmnn ...............
    Does it have anything to do with stalking ??!!
  6. Ronny

    Ronny Midi Mad Super Mod! Staff Member Super Mod

    Messages:
    2,120
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Before you all jump to conclusions it would be beneficial to know in what style the song is intended and where it was intended to performed. For example if it was intended to be an upbeat pop song I wouldn't rate it very highly. It doesn't change from the verse/chorus/verse chorus format and would be quite boring. Also there is a line 1 and 3 rhyme in the verse but a line 1 and 2 rhyme in the chorus. This may work if the music was right. It would also benefit from a middle 8th to totally change the format. This would fit in between the 4 sections of verse 2 and then throw the chorus back in again. Probably a key change would fit in if it was a slow ballad.

    Yeah okay, some of the lyrics are a bit naff and cheesy but that's not difficult to remedy.

    On the positive side, lyrics are very much a personal thing and tell what you want to say, not what everyone else wants to hear. Naff lyrics examples:-

    1. "I met a strange lady, she made me nervous,
    She took me in a gave me breakfast."

    2. Would you like kippers for breakfast,
    Mony mere a mony mere.
    Gotta have 'em in Texas,
    'Cos everyone's a millionaire."

    Two great examples of terrible lyrics but in the context of the songs they're great.

    On the strengths side there are some really cool lines,
    E.G.

    "Her smile can light the darkest night

    All the wounds she's got, I'll heal

    She's the better half of me."

    I quite like these lines and they work well.

    All in all it not bad.

    Oh yeah and sing it to the music of Coldplay, Clocks and you will see that with a little work and tidying it could be great.
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2003
  7. ChaoXiC

    ChaoXiC New Member

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    quite ok, kinda boring. there are thousands of similar kinds of lyrics...
  8. LP_rox_5379

    LP_rox_5379 New Member

    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    i reckon its quite good, i mean, its hard to know without the music, but i checked a few of the rhythms. that is, like in the first line, first verse before the chorus and first line, first verse after the chorus, to see if they had the same amount of syllables, or similar. quite pleased to say most of the lines have very close amound of syllables, which makes it easier for the tune.

    how many songs have you written? i've written 9.. well one of them isnt quite finished because i ran out of ideas... but i'm hoping to make about 14/15 so i can think about making an album.... nah, i don't have a clue how i'd get in without something like american idol/ australian idol for me coz i live in oz... there's no way i'd get in that either coz i'm only 14... have to concentrate on school :(.
  9. angelboy

    angelboy New Member

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    hmmm..

    that was quite interesting.. or something... not bad, but i think it would be better with music ;)
  10. Oddjaws

    Oddjaws New Member

    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    It looks boring like that but it could sound good. Nobody should knock it until they hear a recorded version of the song.

Share This Page